Wheeewwww.....glad that is over....again

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Dillon started the day quietly.   He did not, like last week, refuse to get out of bed.  He took his meds and informed us (Sean took the day off so both of us were present today) that he NEEDED a breakfast burrito.

He ate in the car, quietly but satisfied.

When we got to the hospital, as he did last time, he got out of the car and walked VERY slowly toward the hospital.  Note that he was walking just fine at home the evening before and that morning when getting ready to leave.

By the time we got to the clinic his mood had turned SOUR!!!  It is really indescribable, but just know it is wholly and completely unpleasant.  He wanted nothing to do with anyone.  Sean and I offered many suggestions for distraction and passing the time while we waited to be called back....but everything was greeted with a snarl and a snide remake that was spit from his lips in disgust that we even had the nerve to speak to him. 

Sooooo....in we go to the doctor's office.  (There is a regular sort of doctor office visit with an exam and discussion before we go into the chemo area).   This poor child's anxiety was such, at this point, that it was palpable in the room.  You could feel it emanating off of his body, out every pore, with every breath.  Every muscle in his body was tense and rigid.  He sat perched on the edge of the table, unwilling and unable to lie back, relax a little, take a deep breath.  It hurt me to even look at him....he was in such distress inside and so completely isolated and shut down.   Then in pops the psychiatrist to talk to D about his anxiety....OH MY GOSH....if ever you saw an evil eye cast upon someone with complete disdain....this was more severe than that!!!  At first I felt embarrassed and ashamed of my child's behavior; how dare he act so toward an authority figure who is perfectly pleasant and friendly.....then in 1 single breath I realized....that is my parent ego talking to me and that ego has no place in this situation.  So then I just felt so very sorry for my boy having questions hurled at him by YET another doctor.  Personal questions, emotional questions, questions about feelings and fears....how dare you violate my boy like that!!!!  Okay, so Sean and I requested the psychiatrist because we worry about Dillon and his emotional distance and his anxiety....but I thought it would be like a counseling session in some office someplace at some other time.  I did not know they would just pop in, totally clinical, stand by the door, impersonal, not even very friendly, ask a bunch of questions...answer the questions for him because he refused to talk....Just not what I expected.  The glare in the eyes of my boy did not leave.....

Now we head up to the chemo area.  He is trembling, not talking, just so very fearful.  The nurse comes and begins the process of accessing his port which involves the needle.  You all know how he feels about that!!!  Well it was no better today.  He cried and clung; I whispered in his ear, we gazed into each others eyes; he hugged his elephant in one hand and his prayer shawl in the other.......and then it was over.  Breathe baby, breathe!!!!

The old Dillon magically appears after that needle part is over.  He starts talking, he asks for water, he needs the bathroom,  he asks the nurse about the video games that are part of each chemo chair, he invites his Dad to join him in a Star Wars battle....

When we finally left he was famished.  Ate yet ANOTHER chicken quesadilla with sour cream on the way home.  He walked in the door, flopped on his bed, and was sound asleep until dinnertime.

Believe it or not, today was better than last week.  We were at the clinic for 2 hours less...so we got home about 3:30 instead of 5:30.  Dillon ate today.  Last time he would not/could not eat and got very very low blood sugar and energy and mood, etc.  He was able to say today that he realizes he should eat during the chemo even if his belly does not feel hungry, because he hates that over hungry, low blood sugar feeling.   

Challenging day....YOU BET!!!
Worst day ever....NOT EVEN CLOSE!!!
Dillon learning some new coping skills......PRICELESS!!!